It's been a difficult few weeks for Erin and me. It seems like a lot of the emotion we've been holding in during the difficult past 6 months has started to come out. Even as unemotional as I am, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown over the Holidays when I was confronted with some of the grief I've been holding in. I know I'm being vague, but I just need to put out there that we've both been experiencing quite a bit of pain in relation to this whole struggle to be parents.
On New Year's Eve day, I read this passage from Habakkuk 3:17-19:
17 Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines;even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren;even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty,18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.
Here's a portion of my journal entry after reading that passage.
Little did we know, when 2007 began, the type of pain we'd experience this year.... But this passage gets right at what we've been feeling. Yes, things have been very hard, but God's very good! "Even though (we're still barren)... yet, I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in the God of my salvation."
Jesus, I don't feel so great about everything, but from my heart I can affirm this to be true. I love you. I've committed to you and I'm going to keep following you.
And then today, I read this line from Ezekiel 34:26, "I will bless my people and their homes around my holy hill. And in the proper season I will send the showers they need. There will be showers of blessing. " I don't read this to mean God will send a stork to our front porch tomorrow morning. But I can stand on the assurance that God will give us what we need. He has the resources we need, not matter what we face. Even if his gives us the strength to deal with our loss when it seems that everyone around us have been blessed but we're still barren. God will send, in the proper season, the showers we need. I believe that and I stand upon that.