Cynicism

In my previous post, I referenced the weekly email sent out by my District Superintendent.  I want to share something else from that email.  It's about cynicism and forgiveness.  It's hard not to by cynical when you're in a pastoral position.  While we take it too far sometimes, I enjoy hanging out with another pastor friend in Gardner and just letting the cynicism flow as we make each other laugh at our stories. 
But it's also good to know that I'm not the only pastor who struggles to forgive and to stave off cynicism.  Enjoy this challenge from a colleague who is very talented as a leader but secure enough to admit his shortcomings. 

Good morning, Pastor

This morning I prayed that God would help me to forgive you. Relax, I don't mean “you” specifically, I mean “you” generally as my brothers and sisters in Christ. Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes the cumulative effect of disappointment over how God’s people act leaves me …. well, disappointed. Truthfully, over time that disappointment can become anger. I ended up there by Sunday night after several instances of receiving reports of people talking, acting, gossiping, and assuming in ways that leave me with a significant expectation violation to deal with. My expectation is that holiness people will act like it! When that doesn't seem to happen, my temptation is to become angry (including anger with myself). If that anger is not dealt with appropriately it can turn to cynicism, and that is a major red-flag that the problem is no longer with “those people” – the problem is with me. Some time ago God confronted this temptation in me and gave me a way out (1 Cor. 10:13). I was at College Church listening to a sermon from Dr. Graves. It was a sermon on forgiveness. I went to church that day smarting from some tough exchanges with people that week, probably feeling a bit sorry for myself, and no doubt being tempted to fall into a cynical attitude about the church. As my brother David preached on forgiveness I didn't really see the connection at first (I'm sometimes slow on these things) but then the Spirit opened my heart and I heard the clear message: cynicism and unforgiveness live right next to each other! I realized that the most powerful way to ensure that cynicism cannot get a foothold in my life is to drink deeply of God’s grace that enables us to pray, Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
I did not want to write this today because it exposes one of my many flaws. I just wonder if perhaps pastors as a group face this temptation because we are on the front lines of the work of the Spirit in the lives of people who are broken by disappointment, fear, and hurt? May I offer to you this Jesus-taught strategy for those times when you are tempted to anger and cynicism toward the very people you are called to love? Forgive them. As God has forgiven you, forgive them. And the peace of God that is beyond understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Eagle's Wings

One of my wife's favorite songs from her days in the Catholic church was Eagle's Wings. It was one of the songs she remembers from her mom's funeral mass.

It was the funeral of Erin's mom that sent her into a dark depression lasting most of our junior high and part of her high school years. God reached into Erin's depression, leading her toward his love and out of the darkness. During our first year of marriage, some really hard personal stuff hit Erin's family, sending her into another (though much less intense) time of depression. I didn't understand depression at the time and thought Erin should just pray more or get healthier. But the doctor knew better, prescribing some medicine that quickly re-established a chemical and emotional balance.

That was almost ten years ago, I've learned a lot over the years about what causes depression. Just a couple weeks ago, I attended a seminar with Dr. Todd Fry of MidAmerica Nazarene in which Todd explained, among other things, how chemical inbalances caused by genetics or times of extreme pressure alter the receptors in the brain, keeping us from having normal feelings of happiness. As I said, I've learned a lot about what causes depression but until last year, I'd never personally experienced it. But that changed last summer.

Before I go on with the rest of this story, check out what I read a few weeks ago in Reggie McNeal's book Practicing Greatness. "The kinds of issues and situations that ministers deal with, combined with the overwhelming desire to help people (a psychological component of many people drawn into the helping professions, including the ministry), brew the conditions conductive to depression. This is why Archibald Hart, former dean of the School of Psychology at Fuller Seminary, often says that surviving the ministry is a matter of surviving depression.

"People suffer from two types of depression. The first is endogenous depression, which is biological in nature and requires medication (usually antidepressants) for treatment.... A second type of depression - exogenous depression - is a psychological and emotional condition that is usually a response to some loss. The loss can be anything, from the death of a loved one to a crushed expectation.... Exogenous depression will pass if active steps are taken to allow for appropriate grieving and restorative practices. This is a normal emotional reaction to life's downers."

Last spring, two major factors came together to lead me into a period of exogenous depression. 1) The birth of my son. Or to be more accurate, the responsibility of taking care of my 2 month old son while also doing the duties of pastor and some extra-curricular community activities. When Erin went back to work for the final 6 weeks of the 09 school year, I took on the responsibility of getting up with Dawson during the nights. I tried to get work done while he napped or have him lay in his bouncy seat on my desk. I also took Dawson with me on all the "sales" calls with Gardner Community Theatre. I remember how the final hellish week of that school year, when Erin left home at 7:45 and came home after 10 almost wiped me out. I had nothing left. Once Erin was home full-time, I was involved in GCT's summer performance and those late nights prevented me from catching up on rest. I was in a haze most of the rehearsal / performance season.
2) The beginning of TFC's numerical downward slide. I remember when one of our strongest families came to my house to say they needed to be involved in a church in Olathe, since their teenage daughter lived in Olathe. The dad had tears in his eyes telling me how much he would miss his church family but needed to make the best decision for his daughter. I don't think I slept at all that night, as worse-case scenarios kept running through my head. A year later, most of those worse-case scenarios have been realized, with me working a 2nd job and our church's attendance and offering numbers being cut almost in half. But my perspective has changed as I've been sharing, because God is birthing something totally new in TFC. But through last spring and summer, I was being overwhelmed with feelings of fear and loss.

I don't feel like rehashing all of the emotional events over the past year but there were some times in which things were looking up and some times in which I didn't think I could sink much lower. I'll never forget the two days spent in my parents barn, sitting in a lawn chair with my bible and journal begging God to reveal something to me (or let me just walk away from ministry) while reading the story of Isaiah going through the exact same thing. 1 Kings 19
I took our church through Emotionally Healthy Spirituality for 6 whole months, while also working through that book with a personal mentor, Dr. Roy Rotz. There were a lot of times during this past year in which I thought I was totally recovered, only to feel the pain pull me back downward. I kept doing the best I could while accepting that I wasn't 100%

Last week, I was spending time with God following the new format I've been using, outlined by Gordon McDonald in A Resilient Life and reading a passage from Isaiah, when the realization hit me, "I'm not depressed anymore." If you've been reading this blog, you can tell I've come out of the vision-less fog I've been in as a pastor. Even more than that, however I've come out of the lowness of depression all together. I had tears in my eyes as I read these words from Isaiah, who was my inspiration during that difficult time last July:
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Not only have I experienced depression for the first time in my life but I've also experienced the peace and strength of coming out the other side of depression. Right now, the depression is like a bruise - the main pain is gone but the area is still tender and hurt more easily than normal. But I'm hoping it turns into a scar - a reminder of the pain but no longer tender to the touch. And I'm sure I'll go through more loss that might lead to a worse depression or maybe a more slight one. But whatever happens, I'm glad to know that the Spirit is allowing me to rise up on eagle's wings and continue to run the race.

Perseverance - the whole story

Here's the entire post of what I shared here. I didn't want to open myself up completely, but oh well - here it goes.

I'm not real comfortable sharing my deepest thoughts, fear, frustrations, etc. in such a public manner, so just know that the sentence I'm about to type is backed up by tears, sleepless nights, painful goodbyes, bitter goodbyes, massive self-doubt, feelings of hopelessness, a mild depression, almost written resignation letters and an attempt to lead a church while lacking any compelling vision. And now, the icing on the cake, an almost 40% reduction in salary and a new early morning package-handling job at FedEx in Lenexa.

This past year has been one of, if not the, most difficult years in my life.

I was talking with my dad about this a few weeks ago and he told me he'd had an intense time of prayer for me just the day before. He knows how I've been feeling and his heart was breaking for me. He told me, "you'll never understand how much I love you." I actually tell Dawson that all the time, so I understand the fatherly emotion. In that time of prayer, Dad sensed God's reassurance that as much as my dad loves me, God loves me even more and is going to sustain me. Dad sensed this idea from God, "I'm not going to kill Donnie, he's going to survive. However, I've got a few things still to teach him." So Dad counseled me to stay sensitive to God's voice and to stay teachable. I don't remember if it was from Dad or my own thoughts, but the idea of "don't waste this time of trial" was discussed between us.

Dad also called a former pastor of ours, a guy my dad respects as much as anyone he knows and whom he still thinks of as "pastor." This pastor told dad, "Donnie seems to be going through what every pastor goes through sometime between year 2 and year 10 of pastoring. A time in which they question everything and wonder whether it's all worth it. We all go through it."

That discussion was a few weeks ago. Just this morning, I was reading a sermon delivered by Reuben Welch in a student chapel at Point Loma Nazarene University in 1976. The sermon was from a series Welch did on the book of Hebrews and the book is appropriately titled, When You Run Out Of Fantastic, Persevere. There's a lot of great stuff in this book that has been speaking directly to me; mourning the loss of dreams and aspirations, following Christ for his own sake even when it feels like it could cost you everything, throwing off the sin that entangles us as we're running the journey. The quote I'm about to write here is commentary Hebrews 12:3-11, specifically verses 11, "No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way."

Here's what Reuben Welch had to say:

A part of that different attitude that I need to take toward my troubles and trials is not only that God is present in them, and is doing something in my life, but that purpose for which God is working is nothing less than my sharing the likeness of His character, and being a partaker of His holiness.
That's an awesome thing.
What is God's motive? What is the direction of the love motive that moves me in discipline? It is that I may be a partaker of His holiness.
I wonder then:
is it true that there really is no authentic sharing of the character of God without suffering? Is there no way for us to become truly holy person, without discipline?

And I guess when it comes right down to it, sometimes trouble comes to us, and I don't understand all about it, but I know that a part of what we need to do is back off,
and pour it out to God, and expose to God the depths of our lives and say, "Lord, what are you trying to say to me? What changes need to take place in me?"

Well, I'm convinced of this, that God has something to say to us, that He is not uninvolved in all of these things that confront us, and that what He is saying to us, what he is confronting us with, is the call to share His holiness, which manifests itself in righteousness as its fruit.
We need to take a different attitude toward our troubles. God is at work in them, is present in them, and what He is doing is conforming us to the image of His Son - to share in His holiness.

Our Father, so often our troubles separate us from Thee. Your discipline makes us sometimes restive and rebellious. Teas us to look to Jesus - to consider Him and so to respond to Thee in our hard times that we will be more Christlike, more holy. Cleanse our hearts of the attitudes that would frustrate Thy healing and unifying work in us.

Thanks to Pastor Andy for giving me this book. In his usually cheerful way, he said "y'all need to read this book!"

Please pray for me. Pray that I stay open and obedient to God during this difficult time.

Magnetic Community

"Community can be built around a common self-righteousness or a common brokenness. Both are magnetic. People are drawn toward folks who have it all together, or who look like they do. People are also drawn toward folks who know they don't have it all together and are not willing to fake it." --Shane Claiborne

The Daily Office

A couple Sundays ago, in the midst of this Emotionally Healthy Spirituality series, I shared about the Daily Office. "Office" comes from a Latin word that means "work" and the daily work is an ancient Christian practice training for constant communication with God throughout the day. This constant communication can be juxtaposed to the practice I had for years, putting in my time with God each day and then just going about the rest of my day - sometimes coming back to God but most often not.

As I wrote in my first post of 2009 and several times throughout the year (see tag below) I've been trying to train myself in the discipline of practicing God's presence. I've had some good times but mostly it's been a pretty unsuccessful experiment. Well, since using this book on the Daily Office from the emotionally healthy website, I've made some gains in this discipline. This book has helped bring a good balance between a tool helping me focus upon God and my mind being trained to return to God throughout the day.

I'm still a novice in this life of practicing God's presence but it's nice to have seen some growth.

BTW, you can read or listen to (most) of the message on the Daily Office here.

Patience

If you know me very well, you know that I pretty much suck at patience. Yes, I really, really suck at being patient. With that in mind, let me share a journal entry from Dec. 28th and 29th as I was working through a Daily Office.

12/28
Question from the book, "What is one area of your inner person that the fire of His presence might want to burn away?" I don't even have to think about this - impatience. From yelling at Erin when I thought the car door broke... end of entry.

12/29
Ironically, this entry was interrupted by Dawson waking from his nap. Which, of course, agitates my impatience. I picked him up and sat down on the couch, when he fell asleep on my shoulder for about 20 minutes. It's hard for me to sit still for 20 minutes. All I can think of is stuff I need to do. But it gave me a perspective, a perspective of God holding me. A perspective of the world not falling apart if I didn't do that stuff right then. Maybe that perspective is what patience is - being 'okay' in the moment. And I got one of the most precious times with my son I may ever experience in my life.

The Value of Pain

From Chaim Potok's novel, The Chosen.

"One learns the pain of others by suffering one's own pain, by turning inside oneself, by finding one's own soul. And it is important to know of pain. It destroys our self-pride, our arrogance, and our indifference toward others. It makes us aware of how frail and tiny we are and of how much we must depend upon the Master of the Universe."

The Value of Emotions

In the book I'm using for the Daily Office, Begin the Journey with the Daily Office, Peter Scazzero quote's Dan Allender and Tremper Longman from The Cry of the Soul.

"Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality. Listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God... Emotions are the language of the soul. They are the cry that gives the heart a voice... However, we often turn a deaf ear - through emotional, denial, distortion, or disengagement. We strain out anything disturbing in order to gain tenuous control of our inner world. We are frightened and ashamed of what leaks into our consciousness. In neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God. We forget that change comes through brutal honest and vulnerability before God."

A New Era begins for TFC

There was an energy level among the congregation on Sunday that I haven't experienced for a long time. People kept telling me, through smiles and hugs, how much they love the changes that have just happened.

These changes have been a long time coming. Last spring, we began a numerical slide that has resulted in our Sunday morning worship attendance being between 2/3 - 1/2 of what it was a year ago at this time. Toward the beginning of that slide, after a very lowly attended Sunday in March, I spent a sleepless night talking with God and wrestling with my fears and hopes. My fear was that if we continued to "do church" as we were at the time, we might not continue to exist. That fear lead to a hope, a hope that TFC could stop focusing on "doing church" and become more intentional about "being the church." At about 4 AM, I got a pretty clear picture of the changes we could make.

I began sharing those changes with staff, the board and then ministry leaders; everyone was on board with the ideas. Last summer, we polled the congregation to find out approaches were working and to gauge their openness to the potential changes. The surveys revealed an almost unanimous support of the structural changes our leadership was considering.

In August, we took a big first step in introducing Discussion Groups to Sunday AM worship. To say these groups have been a success would be the understatement of the year. Every Sunday, over 90% of the congregation participates in discussion groups. This past Sunday, only ONE person skipped discussion groups and that was because of a family emergency. It was almost hard to hear the other members of my group over the dull roar of the conversations happening all over the commons. The introduction of Discussion Groups, as well as "Ask Anything" Sundays, have all been a part of our effort to take a more dialogical approach to Sunday morning worship.

The immediate success of Discussion Groups allowed our leadership to take a bigger step in this move from "doing" to "being." In summary, our new focus as a church is upon three main values, Simplicity, Community and Generosity. Let me explain our new focus on these areas.

Simplicity = When TFC launched 4 years ago, I was determined to make us into a church that would wow everyone who showed up for worship. 4 years later, I've broken (been broken is probably the better way of saying it) out of that consumerism / attractional approach. Our unique niche in the Kingdom isn't going to come from what we do but in what we are. Our first major step in simplification is in moving out of the auditorium of PRMS and into the commons. In making this move, we've eliminated as much set-up as possible, focusing on the essentials for corporate worship. Elements such as stage lighting and moving backgrounds have been lost in our move into the commons and I'm not sure whether we'll be able to find them again.

Community Also left behind in our move were the cushy but permanent chairs of the PRMS auditorium. We've now got portable chairs that can be arranged in a large half-circle for corporate worship or into smaller circles for Discussion Groups. It's amazing what changing from rows facing one direction to a circle of chairs does for group dynamics.
Moving into the commons is saving us a LOT of money in rent payments, lowering our operational overhead by thousands of dollars. Our Advisory Council is considering using some of the saved money for an online service designed to help churches build community.
We're also rebudgeting some money for morning refreshments. Worshiping in the commons means we're able to have coffee and donuts again! Amazing how something so simple can go so far in community building.
Following the advice from last summer's surveys, we're also going to be having regular community meals as a part of our worship. Our first community meal will be Nov. 22nd.

Generosity This is what has me more fired up than any of our changes - the more we lower our operational expenses, the more we can give away. The less we spend on rent, the more we can give to organizations that serve the poor and under resourced, both locally and globally. My constant challenge to our congregation is "spend less on self so you can give away more." I'm glad to say that TFC is taking another step in that direction. We do already give 7% of our offerings to local ministry work and 6% to global evangelism, but we'll be able to do more now. Our Advisory Council is also working out a process for setting up a fund to help families within our congregation; having funds available for those in immediate need - allowing us to live out the New Testament value of taking care of each other.
What do you think honors Jesus more, spending our resources on facilities or on serving the poor? If you're not sure, check this out.

While these changes may not seem too radical on the surface, they're indications of deep changes that have happened within me. My whole understanding of how a group of Christ-followers are to live together as a local expression of the Kingdom of God has been turned upside-down over the past 9 months. Last spring was a season of disillusionment and failure within the typical North American protestant model. Last summer was a season of depression and hopelessness (to read my self-confession to my church from a few weeks ago, click here). This fall has been a season of rebirth for Trinity Family, a rebirth into a new model of church that greatly parallels the old model we see in the New Testament.

And it's my sneaking suspicion that the approaches that make TFC different from just about every other church in our area are going to be common place within the next couple of decades.

Below are pictures from Sunday, including our TFC Kidz area. We would've moved into the commons sooner but it took a few months of planning to figure out how to make TFC Kidz work in a different space. I'm proud to say Pastor Andy figured it out.


The tech guys figuring out the digital sound board DONATED to TFC, which helps us further simplify our set-up process.

Toward an Emotionally Healthy Church

I just finished one of the best books I've every read, The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero.
Scazzero starts by addressing the problem of emotionally immaturity in the church. "The sad truth is that too little difference exists, in terms of emotional and relational maturity, between God's people inside the church and those outside who claim no relationship to Jesus Christ. Even more alarming, when you go beyond the praise and worship of our large meetings and conventions and into the homes and small-group meetings of God's people, you often find a valley littered by broken and failed relationships."

This book hit home in a way no other ministry book ever has. Most books I read are about how to "do" ministry and they're written by guys much more skilled than myself, which is discouraging. But for the past two years, I've been trying to focus on how to "be" more than how to "do" and this book is exactly about that. Scazzero's main idea is that after a decade of leading a growing and innovative church all the "doing" wasn't resulting in maturity. Yes, people were learning more about the bible but they weren't maturing emotionally. And unless a person is maturing emotionally they aren't really maturing. Spiritual disciplines and bible knowledge is important but it won't do the work necessary to bring a person toward maturity. Boy does that statement fly in the face of about everything you hear in our church culture.
Here's another quote, "The sad reality is that too many people in our churches are fixated at a stage of spiritual immaturity that current models of discipleship have not addressed.... I can no longer deny the truth that emotional and spiritual maturity are inseparable"

Scazzero uses examples that could've come straight from some of my struggles with people within TFC. Pastoring has made it painfully obvious that just because someone has been in church for years and knows a lot about the bible, that doesn't mean they've matured one bit. Emotional immaturity causes so many unnecessary conflicts.

Quoting John Calvin's thoughts on 1 Corinthians 13 and Paul's writings in 1 Corinthians 3, Scazzero warns that churches can be building great ministries and inviduals can be excercising great gifts while still being immature spiritually. "Paul makes a clear point that you can use spiritual gifts and still be very much of a spiritual baby. The sign of the Spirit at work is supernatural love, not gifts or successful results." Ouch.

I connected on a deeper level, however with Scazzero's personal examples. What he said about church members not maturing despite years as Christians, spiritual disciplines or increased bible knowledge was even more true for him, as pastor. It's impossible to count the ways in which my own emotional immaturity has hurt people or caused unnecessary conflict. Although I've grown up a lot over the past few months, particularly because of the emotionally-focused therapy I went through during my study leave, I've still got a lot of growth to do.

And my role as pastor isn't just about "doing" but it's about "being." I've been shaped in such a way that I'm at my best as a leader when I'm acting as a model of healthy Christian living for my congregation. Which is how Scazzero ends the book, "Preaching sets a context and an environment of safety and grace to enable people to go further, but it is not enough. If you can work on yourself, then as you interact with others, the church will change. In short, if you do the hard work of allowing God to change you, the whole system will change." Wow.

Although I'm not sure what it will all look like yet, here's my plan for challenging TFC to mature emotionally.
1) I'm going to model it. I've already set up meetings with a mentor, Roy Rotz, who is going to work through Emotionally Healthy Spirituality with me. Before I can lead others in this way, I must be lead myself.
2) I'm going to mentor leaders in this area. Coming this fall will be our Leadership Community; a chance for discipleship and community-building among ministry leaders. We're going to be working through The Emotionally Healthy Church.
3) Our entire church will work through Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. Although I'm not sure of the details yet, Roy and I are planning how we can preach and then lead discussion groups on this topic.

Here's a final quote to share:
I don't want to wait until heaven to see an emotionally healthy, balanced, mature church. We don't need to. God desires, I believe, to initiate a Copernican revolution in our discipleship in the 21st Century, both in the US and around the world. It is a commitment, not only to see numerical growth, but more important, a quality change in the kind of disciples we are making. It is a paradigm change from the perfect, the powerful, and the big to the weak, the imperfect and the small.
I want to challenge you to apply the six principles of emotionally healthy churches first to yourself (as chapter 1 said, 'as go the leaders, so goes the church') and then to the rest of the congregation.
1 Look beneath the iceberg
2 Break the power of the past
3 Live in brokenness and vulnerability
4 Receive the gift of limits
5 Embrace grieving and loss
6 Make incarnation your model for loving well
It is the pathway to experiencing more of heaven on earth. The journey begins right now, gradually and powerfully rippling through you and then through your church to the hurting world around us."