Public Grief

The ministry partnership that was "Donnie and Erin" touched a lot of people.  I sometimes forget, or lose perspective of, just how many people.
Just like how often I forget just how many FB friends I really have.

So I'm going to process some of the response I received... out loud... publicly... again.

Here's what I'd like to start by stating, I'm sharing my story, as I experienced it.
Erin has her own story and perspective.  If she doesn't publicly write about it, I'd encourage you to ask her share it with you.
I'd think that most people who know both of us would realize the truth likely lies between our two perspectives.

My former sister-in-laws believe I'm totally in the wrong.  My own sister thinks I'm totally in the right.  Once again, I'm sure the truth lies in the middle.  Of course, all of them experienced the breakdown of the marriage from their own perspective and have processed the grief in their own way, particularly how the divorce impacted their sibling.

So in a statistical analysis, you throw out the extremes and work for the mean (or something like that).

I received some polar opposite responses from people for whom I have the utmost respect, people with whom we've ministered in the past.  Some thought I was kind and gracious, some were upset that I went too far.

The vast majority thanked me for sharing honesty and respectfully, including the way I talked about Erin.  Though I'll readily admit that majority does not equate to rightness, maybe a lot of them didn't even read everything I wrote.  Not all were in agreement, however, some people took particular exception with my sharing what that counselor told me, after the fact, based upon what he'd observed in some pretty intense, open and honest circumstances.
That was an important part of my story and healing.  Even so, sharing it did make me nervous and I wasn't sure whether it was right.

I still don't know whether sharing that was the right thing to do, actually.  When I asked the friends who thought I was kind and gracious to re-read it, some of them suggested I take it down, while also affirming they could I understand why I wanted to share it.  They all, however agreed they could understand why it upset some people.

That statement was life-giving to me.  Sharing it however, was not life-giving to Erin or others.  For the meantime, I've taken it down off my blog.

Is that an apology or admission or guilt?  Not sure either are warranted, but I'm open to the possibility that they are.

I went into that meeting asking the counselor how I could love my ex-wife in a Christ-like way, which, believe it or not, I try to.  I try to be forgiving, understanding and let go of some things that are (in my perspective) unjust and hurtful. I believe Erin tries to do the same. We both fail quite regularly.

Some people were upset that I'd talk about the divorce openly at all.  I can also understand that perspective, though I don't agree with it.  I don't think it's wrong to process this publicly.  I can however,  be more careful about sharing certain details and be more self-aware of my motives.

Erin and I served in a lot of different capacities and touched a lot of lives.  Even if we fall out of contact with them, there still exists an emotional connection.  Maybe this whole FB drama is allowing our "long-lost friends" to truly grieve the loss of Donnie and Erin's marriage.  Or maybe I'm being too sentimental.

With that said, I never actually meant for it to be an attack on Erin, or working-out-of-our-issues on FB, though many see it that way.  Some of the reasons for people coming to that conclusion, I think, are due to a different interpretation than what I was trying to communicate.  Another possibility is people seeing something in my words that I'm not able to see for myself.

Or maybe it's simply some people who care about us pointing out that I'm being a douche-nozzle.  Maybe those who thanked me for the content and manner of my writing are wrong.  Maybe those upset are correct and I'm just deluding myself...